Who Are We, Really? You Just Might Be Surprised!

When we reach a certain point in our life, most of us are pretty sure we know who we are deep down inside. There may be details we haven't quite worked out, and we may not let other people see who we are, but at least we know.  But what if we are wrong?  What if all these years we have actually been suppressing our authentic nature?

In my last blog I told you how my health is forcing me to take a bit of time for myself, and my Goddess is pushing me to use this time to learn what I need to do to improve my life and get on the right path.  While I was resting I ordered a book that has been highly recommended to me by many friends: Personality Plus by Florence Littauer.  I usually don't get in to personality type books, but something kept telling me to give it a shot.  I found a copy on amazon for a penny, so I figured. why not?  If you've never read it, a super quick summary is that we have four basic personality types: the "popular" sanguine, the "perfect" melancholy, the "powerful" choleric, and the "peaceful" phlegmatic. A few months ago I took the quiz with some friends and it determined I'm primarily a melancholy.  That was no surprise to anyone as I very clearly show those traits. Well, I decided to pick up my new-to-me copy of the book yesterday to see why everyone loved it so much.  I'm only through the early chapters describing the types but I have already come to a startling realization: I was not supposed to be a melancholy.

You see, I had a truly horrible, abusive childhood.  I'm not saying that as an excuse or to make me a victim.  It is simply a fact.  It is also a fact that I was born with a bouncy, happy sanguine personality.  Unfortunately, after my parents were divorced and I moved in with my father's side of the family, I was no longer allowed to express those aspects.  Each time I did, I was strongly punished.  Not for doing anything wrong, but to "correct my behavior."  My grandmother had aspirations of me becoming the future First Lady of the United States and my father simply felt women, especially girls, were meant to be neither seen nor heard unless it was in some useful capacity.  There were brief moments of freedom to just be a kid, but they were few and far between.  I usually had to wait until my grandpa would sneak me out of the house or I was visiting my mom. I learned to be very quiet, non-confrontational, and as close to perfect as possible.  Anything else was unacceptable and grounds for punishment. Fast forward a bit.  My first marriage was also with an abusive man who also made sure I suppressed those more expressive urges.  He didn't start out abusive, just with very definitive views on the "proper" way for a wife to be. The abuse came later when I didn't do as he wished.  We married right out of high school, so I never got the chance to express, or even really discover, my authentic self.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot what it really was.

Now, I repeat, all of this does not make me a victim!  That is not to diminish the trauma of childhood abuse or spousal abuse.  It is a horrific thing that no one should ever have to suffer through.  What I mean is that I have been able to deal with these events sufficiently and I have finally been able to move past them and no longer be a victim.  They have become simple facts of my past. I am now able to look at all of this more objectively to discover things such as my true self.  Instead of getting upset, I can look back to see what happened that either brought out my true self, or brought out a different self by trying to conform to what they decided I was supposed to be.  This is a good thing!  It means the wound has healed.  I have a scar that will always be there, but that's ok.  I can embrace my sanguine personality and decorate that scar with glitter!

So what does this all mean?  It means that I am ready to break down the walls around my true self and let it shine!  Sanguines are the fairy children that frolic through the store getting distracted by interesting things.  They make life an adventure.  They are the storytellers, the imaginative ones.  This is me!  I guess it already started coming out.  Not long ago I got rid of all my "normal" nail polish and replaced them all with fun colors and glitter.  Horrible embarrassment to my family, but I don't care.  Right now I have this lovely light blue metallic polish covered with a glitter topcoat.  I admit, the sun sparkling off my polish does keep distracting me, but it makes me smile, so that's ok.  I'm discovering the true me and she's wonderful!

The melancholy side of me is not gone, nor will it ever be, I believe.  It's just sliding back to my secondary aspects.  It may have been pushed on me, but there are wonderful things I gained from it.  I may only have a cursory relationship with the more "perfect" aspects of a melancholy such as being a perfectionist or super organized, but I love the artistic, musical, and poetic aspects.

I've chosen to look on the bright side of all of this.  Instead of being upset that I was poked and squished into a mold I never quite fit into, I'm going to be happy that I was given the opportunity to discover the aspects I enjoy.  If I had spent all my early years as the sanguine I was born, I may never have had the chance the perform in concert at the Lincoln Memorial!  I certainly would not have had the focus to study forensic anthropology and do the amazing things I did before my health forced me to leave that career.  Even now, that melancholy drive I learned has allowed me to create an online business so I do have money while I wait the many years it takes to get disability.  I'm turning what could be considered a negative into a positive!

It's amazing what a difference one little book can make.  Now that I understand what all I have been giving up, I'm taking it back!  I have just passed a major crossroads in my journey.  The path ahead of me is now full of  glitter, rainbows, and bubbles dancing in the breeze.  I can't wait to discover what new adventures are ahead!

Glittery blessings to you, dear readers!