Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Sparkle!

I recently wrote about my discovery that I have been suppressing my true self for many years.  I have since made a conscious change to be more true to myself.  It seems that once again, I have found people around me who want me to suppress my true nature. The reason?  I'm too happy.  How can being too happy possibly be a bad thing?  Lucky for me, most of my friends here in my new home are thrilled that I am embracing this part of myself once again!  It is a rebirth of sorts.  I'm being born again, but this time as I was meant to be.

I have discovered that there are some people who seem to be threatened by happiness.  No matter what happens, they have to look on the downside.  You know the kind of person I'm talking about.  If they won the lottery they'd immediately complain about paying taxes on it.  This can be difficult for those of us who try to look for the silver lining on every cloud.  Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how to deal with these sort of people.  She has been with her husband for several years and he has slowly become more and more down.  Her question is what to do?  Does she need to try to teach him how to find joy?  She could remember what it was like when they were young and he was happy.  Now, she's lived with him so long that his attitude has affected her.  I've only known her a short time and I had no idea that she used to be the life of the party.  I just know her as the sweet lady who quietly sits in the back of the room not really making waves.

This friend is about 15 years older than me, and all I could think was "I can NOT let that ever happen to me!"  And so, back to her question.  What to do?  Of course, some people have a legitimate illness and could benefit from antidepressants.  Others have health issues that are causing depressive feelings.  But the sad truth is, some people simply thrive on being miserable!  My ex-husband was one of them.  True story:  He went blind back in 98 due to complications from diabetes.  After nearly a year of surgery and training through vocational rehab, he regained near perfect vision in one eye!  Most of us would be jumping for joy at the miracle.  Did he?  Nope.  Just complained even worse.  He thrived on misery and nothing would change it.

So here we are at the heart of the matter.  What to do?  Now I'm not an expert.  This is only my opinion, one I have formed from years of studying the wisdom of our elders and happy people around me.  Sometimes, there is nothing to do but decide if you want that person to continue in your life. This is not a decision to make quickly.  If it has only been a short time, or even a year or two, make sure there's not a medical reason underlying it.  Or maybe even a good reason like inability to find a job.  That would depress anyone!  But if, like my friend, it has been years and you can see that misery is truly what they enjoy, you just might have to let them go.

This is never an easy decision to make.  However, one day we have to make the decision to put our selves first.  I don't mean by being a selfish person who cares for no one else.  I mean by removing that which causes a true negative effect on your quality of life.  We are willing to do so many things to make ourselves happy but not removing negative people.  The simple truth is, negative people not only make us miserable but the stress can cause all kinds of health problems.  Is anyone worth that?  So, if someone is a negative influence, sit and really give it some thought.  Maybe the relationship is salvageable.  Maybe it's not.  Either way, figure out what is necessary to improve your life and facilitate your growth into the bright, shining light you are!

These images are not mine. If you know the creator, please let me know so I can can give them credit.

Go Out and Dance in the Rain!

For days after the horrible heat wave we were all eagerly watching the radar, praying for a few drops from the heavens to soothe our hot, weary souls.  We would hear of storms nearby and sometimes just gentle showers, but nothing here.  We consoled each other by saying "at least it has cooled down."  A good thing, yes, but just not the same.  Yesterday the storms came close.  We all had the radar up on our computers speculating on each tiny little change, but each time the little green splotch that held our fascination would fizzle out.  Then finally, around 10:30 pm, it rained.  I was out the door as soon as it hit the concrete, dancing in praise of this gift from the Goddess. A few neighbors watched, but no one would join me.  As much as everyone had prayed for the rain, it seems that nearly everyone was afraid of getting even a drop of it on their clothes and worried it would make their hair frizz.  People pray for this gift then treat it like a curse, not the remarkable blessing it is!

Just before I sat down to write this, I returned from a delightful walk to the mailbox.  The skies had darkened.  Thunder was ringing through the air and lightning was racing across the sky.  Again, my neighbors were running inside.  As for me?  I decided it was time to go outside.  When better to go for a walk than the amazing time just before a storm!

So the question is, why do people fear nature so much?  True, there are extremes such as tornadoes and floods we must be wary of, but those are called extremes for a reason.  Most of the time, nature is an amazing miracle.  Since we're talking about the rain, let's really think about what a miracle it truly is.  True, most of our planet is covered in water, but fresh water is becoming so scarce.  This is what gives life to all plants and animals.  It shapes our land.  Without it, nothing could survive.  My family are farmers.  They raised me to understand and appreciate just what a blessing the rain is.  Without the rain, there would be no crops, no food for us.  No animals in the wild.  Nothing.  The rain is a true miracle, each and every time it falls.

When you get down to it, there are miracles around us every single day.  We are just so used to them, that often they are taken for granted.  The sun shining down, the wind whispering through the tress, the birds and butterflies, the deer and squirrels, the fish and frogs.  All creatues are miracles, just as every bit of weather is a miracle.  The fact that we exist at all is a miracle.  Just think how truly amazing it is that everything came together perfectly on this little speck of dust floating though the universe so that we may have life.

And so, as you go though your day, take the time to notice all of these little miracles as they appear around you.  Appreciate the amazing series of events that made each one possible.  And the next time it rains, go out and dance!

Who Are We, Really? You Just Might Be Surprised!

When we reach a certain point in our life, most of us are pretty sure we know who we are deep down inside. There may be details we haven't quite worked out, and we may not let other people see who we are, but at least we know.  But what if we are wrong?  What if all these years we have actually been suppressing our authentic nature?

In my last blog I told you how my health is forcing me to take a bit of time for myself, and my Goddess is pushing me to use this time to learn what I need to do to improve my life and get on the right path.  While I was resting I ordered a book that has been highly recommended to me by many friends: Personality Plus by Florence Littauer.  I usually don't get in to personality type books, but something kept telling me to give it a shot.  I found a copy on amazon for a penny, so I figured. why not?  If you've never read it, a super quick summary is that we have four basic personality types: the "popular" sanguine, the "perfect" melancholy, the "powerful" choleric, and the "peaceful" phlegmatic. A few months ago I took the quiz with some friends and it determined I'm primarily a melancholy.  That was no surprise to anyone as I very clearly show those traits. Well, I decided to pick up my new-to-me copy of the book yesterday to see why everyone loved it so much.  I'm only through the early chapters describing the types but I have already come to a startling realization: I was not supposed to be a melancholy.

You see, I had a truly horrible, abusive childhood.  I'm not saying that as an excuse or to make me a victim.  It is simply a fact.  It is also a fact that I was born with a bouncy, happy sanguine personality.  Unfortunately, after my parents were divorced and I moved in with my father's side of the family, I was no longer allowed to express those aspects.  Each time I did, I was strongly punished.  Not for doing anything wrong, but to "correct my behavior."  My grandmother had aspirations of me becoming the future First Lady of the United States and my father simply felt women, especially girls, were meant to be neither seen nor heard unless it was in some useful capacity.  There were brief moments of freedom to just be a kid, but they were few and far between.  I usually had to wait until my grandpa would sneak me out of the house or I was visiting my mom. I learned to be very quiet, non-confrontational, and as close to perfect as possible.  Anything else was unacceptable and grounds for punishment. Fast forward a bit.  My first marriage was also with an abusive man who also made sure I suppressed those more expressive urges.  He didn't start out abusive, just with very definitive views on the "proper" way for a wife to be. The abuse came later when I didn't do as he wished.  We married right out of high school, so I never got the chance to express, or even really discover, my authentic self.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot what it really was.

Now, I repeat, all of this does not make me a victim!  That is not to diminish the trauma of childhood abuse or spousal abuse.  It is a horrific thing that no one should ever have to suffer through.  What I mean is that I have been able to deal with these events sufficiently and I have finally been able to move past them and no longer be a victim.  They have become simple facts of my past. I am now able to look at all of this more objectively to discover things such as my true self.  Instead of getting upset, I can look back to see what happened that either brought out my true self, or brought out a different self by trying to conform to what they decided I was supposed to be.  This is a good thing!  It means the wound has healed.  I have a scar that will always be there, but that's ok.  I can embrace my sanguine personality and decorate that scar with glitter!

So what does this all mean?  It means that I am ready to break down the walls around my true self and let it shine!  Sanguines are the fairy children that frolic through the store getting distracted by interesting things.  They make life an adventure.  They are the storytellers, the imaginative ones.  This is me!  I guess it already started coming out.  Not long ago I got rid of all my "normal" nail polish and replaced them all with fun colors and glitter.  Horrible embarrassment to my family, but I don't care.  Right now I have this lovely light blue metallic polish covered with a glitter topcoat.  I admit, the sun sparkling off my polish does keep distracting me, but it makes me smile, so that's ok.  I'm discovering the true me and she's wonderful!

The melancholy side of me is not gone, nor will it ever be, I believe.  It's just sliding back to my secondary aspects.  It may have been pushed on me, but there are wonderful things I gained from it.  I may only have a cursory relationship with the more "perfect" aspects of a melancholy such as being a perfectionist or super organized, but I love the artistic, musical, and poetic aspects.

I've chosen to look on the bright side of all of this.  Instead of being upset that I was poked and squished into a mold I never quite fit into, I'm going to be happy that I was given the opportunity to discover the aspects I enjoy.  If I had spent all my early years as the sanguine I was born, I may never have had the chance the perform in concert at the Lincoln Memorial!  I certainly would not have had the focus to study forensic anthropology and do the amazing things I did before my health forced me to leave that career.  Even now, that melancholy drive I learned has allowed me to create an online business so I do have money while I wait the many years it takes to get disability.  I'm turning what could be considered a negative into a positive!

It's amazing what a difference one little book can make.  Now that I understand what all I have been giving up, I'm taking it back!  I have just passed a major crossroads in my journey.  The path ahead of me is now full of  glitter, rainbows, and bubbles dancing in the breeze.  I can't wait to discover what new adventures are ahead!

Glittery blessings to you, dear readers!

A Time for Healing, A Time for Release

My Fourth of July didn't go quite as expected.  Nothing seemed to go quite as planned. Little things were twisted energetically. Nothing bad, just different.  In the end, potential plans were scrapped.  People who normally invite me over to gatherings didn't.  Lunch at my grandparent's farm still happened, but it was just a bit "off".

Once I returned home I felt this horrible crushing fatigue and knew I needed to take a long soak in the tub, even though it was early.  My bubble baths are basically meditation time for me.  It's the only time I know I will be left alone to my peace.  Last night as I was floating along, I realized what was happening.  In a way, I had asked for all of this. At ritual the night before, I had asked for help from my Goddess.  I am going through some difficult things in my life right now, and my support system is slowing fizzling.  Apparently it was exciting and interesting when it was new, but now that things are getting serious and I really need the support, people just aren't inclined to be there.  I also have severe fibromyalgia and this means that extreme stress and not getting enough rest or proper care can run me down to the point my system pretty much crashes.  That is what happened last night.

Normally, it really worries me when I feel it coming, but last night, during my mediation, She told me not to fight it this time.  Instead I should embrace the crash and allow my body to heal.  When I woke, I would know what to do.  And so, I got out of the tub, ate something, and then curled up in bed with my kitties.  I slept, and I dreamed.  I was asleep for fourteen hours instead of my normal five or six.  I dreamed of many things, many people, many places.  I learned things.  I saw potential outcomes for decisions I have coming soon.  But most importantly, I healed.  I asked for help, and She answered!

Today, I am a different person.  I am ready to eliminate things which don't fit in with my new life.  I have a new plan of personal study.  I have a new focus.  My life will greatly change, but in a good way.  It seems She has decided I am ready for the next stretch of my journey.  I am very excited! I have no idea where this path leads, but I am ready to find out, shedding things from my past that no longer serve me.  Maybe someone else will find them, dust them off and find value.  Maybe they will lie there, undisturbed, only to be slowly covered by the earth, or maybe the elements will take them and shape them into something else.  After all, nothing is ever destroyed, only transformed into something new.

That is what is happening to me, I am being forged into something new.  Not gently, by a light breeze or softly flowing water, but with the passion and power of fire!  I have felt the flames around me for days. Now I know why. The fire shall forge me into a strong, empowered woman.  The timing could not have been more perfect.  And now, dear readers, I am off to dance in the flames!

When You're Stuck in a Spider Web, Don't Fight It

My life has become infinitely more interesting these days. Drastic changes are on the horizon, and they won't be easy.  I admit I was resistant for a long time, but I've learned to stop fighting and things are flowing much smoother now.  If only I had learned that lesson a while ago...

Let's back up a bit.  I should probably explain that I am dedicated to Spider Grandmother.  This makes life a never-ending rollar coaster ride.  She is wonderful.  I love working with her, but she is not above giving me a cosmic smack to the back of the head.  Right now it's neither.  She has me firmly placed in her web and is not letting me move.  Of course, with her there is always a lesson.  Right now I am learning about patience.  The kind of patience that is necessary to allow the world to change around us into its proper alignment.  If I fight, then I get caught in the sticky gunk and things become a huge mess.  But if I just lie still, she gently wraps me in a cocoon to await the proper time for my re-emergence as my new self!  Right now my entire life is being reordered.  As strange as it feels, and as drastic as it will be, I finally feel like I'm on the right track.

Working with her I've learned so much about the connections between myself and others. It's truly amzing if you look hard enough.  You can actually follow a thread back, sometimes years, and understand all that you have done to lead up to a certain point in your life.  I've discovered that I've been heading to this current place for years.  Even relationships I've had that ended badly I can now see had a purpose.  Without them, I would never have ended up where I am.  It turns out that whole saying about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a llifetime is true.  You just can't usually see it until later.  It can be quite a surprise!

First off, I've learned that if there is somone meant to be a permanant part of your life, nothing will change that.  A year ago I moved leaving behind the sister of my heart.  Not long after, she moved closer to where I went.  I never thought there we would live near each other again, but now we are planning her coming here to where I am.  Grandmother is happily manipulating her strand on the web and keeping ours twined togeather.  Not sure what all that means, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing.  I'm just happy this is what she has determined should be.  I miss my sister and will be thrilled to have her back.  This just proves that true family is of the heart, not the blood.

It's not always a happy ending unfortuantly.  I have a divorce behind me, but as horrible as it was, I am now able to look back and see it a neccessary part of my journey.  The relationship helped me grow in ways I needed to be who I am today.  I can only hope that my ex-husband can say the same.

Even moving back to my home town, something I resisted for 15 years, has turned into something good.  True, I do have the problems with my family still.  They will likely never accept that I'm "different".  But I have gained an entirely new family here.  A new mom and dad.  New sisters and brothers.  New aunts and uncles.  New nieces and nephews.  I've found the place I'm supposed to be, for reasons I never would have dreamed of.  I just had to let go and Let Grandmother Spider spin the strands of my web as She saw fit.

And so, the ultimate lesson is that everything happens as it's supposed to.  We might as well stop fighting it.  Good or bad, there is a reason, a purpose, a lesson for everything that happens.  We need to seek understanding for the way our path goes instead of complaining that it's not what we planned for.