"One Day..."

One day… 

It all begins with one day.  One day I’ll do it.  One day I’ll take that step.  One day I'll go after that dream.  One day…  The thing about “one day” is that you have to decide when that day is and reach out & step towards whatever it is you are waiting for.  Otherwise it just sits there, abandoned and gathering dust.

For me, right now, I have lost so many chances for “one day.” 48 hours have changed my life in ways that are still hard to fully comprehend. Dreams are gone. Faith is lost. Trust is destroyed. Relationships are irretrievably broken. I certainly never could have imagined all of it happening together. I am at a place where I must learn to somehow pick up the pieces of my life and start over almost from scratch. There have been several times in my life, in all of our lives where we have moments where we think this way - after a divorce, loss of job, health situation, etc.I know I have. But now, in this moment,i realize i was wrong about just the extent of how severe the loss has been in my past. Nothing could have prepared me for this.  In this loss, this catastrophic change, even my support system has drastically shifted.  

I blinked and the world as I knew it was no more. I learned that when loss occurs we have to grieve & grieve hard! Immediately! I was hit with a panic attack last night. It was the worst of my life.  I nearly blacked out on my bed with my cat beside me.  As bad as things were at that point, even more disaster happened today. For whatever reason, the Universe decided to do a big clean sweep of my life. So now, I get to figure out what to do next.

One day...

Now I am starting over in so many ways.  In many it is a curse, but buried under the rubble and ash of my old life is a tiny blessing. I can start over. Very few people get the chance to do so.  That is truly a gift to me during this time.  How often do we hear someone lament that they wish they had such an opportunity? Here it has been handed to me. Unexpectedly, sure.  But we can't turn down a gift from the Divine.

I have lost the focus of my life.  I have lost a number of people.  I have lost many plans.  I have lost my goal that I have been working towards for years.  I have lost... well, let's just say nothing is as it was. Even that which I did not lose has changed. I fully believe everything happens for a reason,however, so this must have as well.  I do know that the one thing that remained, just in a different state, has a chance at becoming something even better now.  I know my priorities will shift leaving me room for some things I had lost but suddenly may get to now have. This is an opportunity to change my life into what I really want. I get a chance to go after my deepest dreams.

One day...

There are so many things I have always wanted.  I admit, I have given up on many dreams.  I have faced a lot of things in my life that I have seen break other people. I abandoned the term "survivor" because it brings back too many bad memories of exactly what I survived. Somehow I made it through the nightmares of my past, but as a result I gave up hope for myself. Common, I know. I avoided becoming one statistic only to become another. When you make it through life-changing events that are drastic you give up your hopes and dreams. I was one of the lucky ones who simply became incredibly grateful for all that life and the world have to offer. Sure, it works, but you give up a lot because you no longer look for anything beyond that which is simple to find. I now have a chance to pull out my broken dreams, dust them off, and nurture them into fulfillment. I have no idea where I will go from here,but I do know that for the first time, I'm going to be able to have some control over where my path leads. I now will write my own story.

One day I woke up and started my life over. It was wonderful!